Fallen
by sdbubbles
Summary: "Heaven bent to take my hand; nowhere left to turn; I've lost to those I thought were friends; to everyone I know; oh, they turn their heads embarrassed; pretend that they don't see; that it's one missed step; you'll slip before you know it; and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed..." - 'Fallen' by Sarah McLachlan. Set post 'Battle Lines.'


**A/N: I was going to leave this until tomorrow but it's done now. It's set after 'Battle Lines,' this week's episode.**

**Sarah x**

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Jac stared at herself in the mirror of the AAU bathrooms. This was the first safe place she could think of; her mother knew Keller, knew she had been there. She had seen her leave Darwin. But Paula didn't know AAU. AAU was safe.

Jonny's words echoed in her mind...just when she thought her hand had been forced, Elliot had told her Jonny was beginning to see sense. But it was too late to go back on a court order. And now Jonny really did hate her. He really was going to take Emma from her, or at least do anything and everything in his power to do so. She didn't want to let her daughter go like Paula had done. Emma had a mother who loved her and a father who loved her; she didn't doubt Jonny loved Emma. He would not fight half as rough if he didn't.

But this, Paula, was more than she could handle. She could handle Jonny. She couldn't handle Paula. She had tried once before and it had cost her a kidney and another little piece of her frozen heart.

The door opened and she jumped around, relieved to see not a face covered with blonde hair but a face that did not allow itself to be obscured by the brown hair above. "Ms. Campbell," she breathed, utterly relieved that it was not Paula. "Thank God."

"I don't think I've ever known you so glad to see me, Ms. Naylor," Serena laughed. Jac didn't laugh. It was funny but she didn't laugh, because all she could think of was her mother, and how she was wandering this place and Jac had no idea where she was or how to avoid her. And it take Serena very long to see something was wrong. "Are you alright?" she asked, her smile fading. "And why are you all the way down here?"

"I..." Jac began, but words failed her. She was shocked. She had never expected to see Paula again. Ever. Jac had thought the last time she had turned her back on her daughter would have been the last. So had Michael Spence. So had Joseph Byrne. Now it looked like they were all mistaken. And how could Serena know all this? She meant well but she didn't know the hornets' nest she was in danger of kicking here.

For a moment Jac felt like the speechless schoolgirl in front of the formidable headmistress. But Serena didn't look strict at all; with every moment that passed without a word on Jac's part, her expression grew more and more concerned. "Jac," Serena spoke her first name, taking a step towards her. "What's wrong?"

"My mother," Jac whispered.

"Your mother?" Serena replied, obviously confused by her reaction. Jac didn't know why she was even speaking of Paula to Serena. All the pain seeing that face had to go somewhere, and driving it inward wasn't going to work anymore; she had a daughter to think of now, and she was no use to Emma unless she could function. She wouldn't let Paula strip her of motherhood. "Is she alright?"

"I don't know," Jac muttered. "I don't _care_."  
"You don't care about your mother?" Serena asked carefully. Jac wished she could tell Serena everything, to let it all make sense to her, but she couldn't. Where had her words gone? Where had her voice gone?

Jac only shrugged her shoulders. All she could reply was, "Why should I care about someone who doesn't care about me?"

Serena sighed and reached out to her, her hands falling onto Jac's arms. "I'm sure that's not true, Jac."

Jac let a bitter laugh escape her. She knew Serena didn't know about Paula so what was she doing letting the woman find a way in? "You don't know her like I do," she asserted. "She will swoop in and ruin everything. She'll leave with me with nothing. _Again_."

A look of realisation crossed Serena's face as she asked, "Is this the blonde woman who stopped me on the stairs? She was looking for you."

"I bet she was," Jac retorted. "She's probably needing another organ." She didn't mean to say it, but it was the first thing that crossed her mind when she saw Paula at the top of that staircase. Jac saw Serena's questioning look and it dawned on Jac that the consultant had no idea of the scale of the destruction Paula left in her wake. "I don't care what she wants. I want her kept away from me and I want her kept away from Emma. And Jonny for that matter – I don't want him to use her for ammunition in his case."

"Ah, yes, I heard Nurse Maconie is gunning for sole custody of Emma."

"Apparently I'm an unfit mother," Jac mumbled, embarrassed by the words even though she felt they were untrue. After all, she had gone through hell for Emma already, and would have done so a million times over; just because she did not cry and go into histrionics, that did _not_ make her a bad mother. But still she questioned how good a mother she was. In the back of her mind, she felt everything Jonny said about her had some truth to it – she had never been kind or generous or even pleasant, and she rarely tried. "Am I a bad mum, Serena?"

Serena sighed. "Do you love your daughter?"

"Yes."

"Would you do anything and everything in your power for her?

"Yes."

"Would you ever leave her to fend for herself when she needs you?"

The question frightened Jac a little, and she saw Paula's face in her mind as she replied, "Never."

Serena smiled slightly, "You're not a bad mum. Quite the opposite, really." It lifted Jac's heart a little to hear that from a woman who was a mother herself, who had raised her daughter into adulthood, who still looked after her daughter. To hear it from someone who knew how hard it could be and how much easier it would have been to throw in the towel long before now. "You know that Jonny's not in his right mind just now," Serena reminded her. "It just so happens you're the one he's decided to hate; it could have been any of us. Mo, Elliot, Zosia, me, even...it just happened you were there, and now the grief is telling him that someone needs to be blamed and you're the one at fault."

Jac sighed to herself, acutely conscious that Serena's hands were still on her arms and that Paula Burrows was still wandering the hospital. "Maybe he's right. Maybe it _is_ my fault."

"Do you have an HGV license? Do you know how to drive a heavy goods truck?" Jac looked up at Serena in confusion, who continued, "Were you driving the truck that hit Bonnie Wallis?"

Jac let out a shocked laugh. "Of course not!"

"Then this, his grief, it is _not_ your fault."

The force in Serena's voice surprised Jac but it could not scare her. Her mother scared her, but Serena didn't. She felt a likeness with Serena; they had both got so far in life and had to sacrifice more than they were happy with, but they were successful in their careers, the thing they valued, the thing that they lived to achieve. They did not work to live. They lived to work. But, as Serena had once, Jac had a daughter to look after, to live for, to learn how to love for. The child was only months old and had already taught Jac more than she had learned in her whole life.

Jac stared into the older woman's face, unable to doubt how genuine her words were. "How long will it take for him to see some kind, _any_ kind, of sense?" demanded Jac.

Serena sighed. "Grief is a funny thing, Jac. Everyone deals with it differently. Who knows how long it'll take him?" Jac groaned in despair; she had tried to understand him. Really, she had. But she saw no logic in what he did. He was hurting her. He was hurting Emma. He was hurting Mo. He was hurting himself. He couldn't even see that, too blinded by grief to know what he was letting himself in for. "As for your mother..." Serena trailed away, and Jac could just feel her searching her tired face for her past. "What's there that makes you so afraid?"

Jac closed her eyes. She let her past run circles in her mind. The twelve-old-girl scared out of her wits by the prospect of living as a motherless child. The moment she had realised all her mother had wanted was a kidney and the pain, physical and emotional, she felt as she collapsed in the arms of Michael Spence. The fear of seeing the woman at the top of the stairs tonight, staring down on her like she had the right to call herself a mother, never mind a grandmother.

She was almost scared to set foot outside this room for fear Paula was there waiting for her. What could her mother possibly do to her now, after all she had already done? There wasn't much left, but Jac had no doubt whatsoever that she would end up with her heart and trust in shattered pieces yet again. This feeling, this instinct not to trust her own mother, was something she never wanted Emma to experience. It was not a life at all to be frightened of the woman who gave birth to her. It left a gaping hole, an open would that would never quite heal.

"Jac?"

The sound of Serena's voice forced Jac's eyes open. It made her open up just a little, but she believed that Serena was trying to help her. "Every time she comes near me, she takes another piece of me and destroys it," admitted Jac. "She abandoned me when I was twelve. She left me with _nothing_. And then she showed up a few years ago, and I donated my kidney to save her life. It didn't take her long to forget all about me and sod off back to India. I even have a sister, Serena. She never told me I have a sister."

She made herself looked directly at Serena, and she saw that she should have kept her mouth shut. Now Serena knew, Jac realised the working relationship may never be quite the same again. However, maybe that wasn't actually a bad thing. Maybe it meant Serena could understand her a little better, see where all her motives came from.

Serena's hands rubbed lightly on her arms, providing a comfort as Jac relayed events and locked the feelings away so they could not overcome them. "Oh, Jac," Serena sighed. Jac was surprised when Serena pulled her into a tight cuddle, and she allowed it – something she did not normally let people do. "Is that why you're hiding in here? So she can't do anything else to you?"

"I'm not hiding," she quickly denied. Of course, that was a lie. She was hiding. If she wasn't, she would have went somewhere Paula was familiar with.

"You can't outrun her," warned Serena. "You can't outrun _yourself_. You'll have to face her at some point, because all this hiding is just hurting you, and it'll take its toll on Emma soon enough too. Babies might not understand us but I firmly believe they know when their mother is in pain."

Jac looked at the door and just prayed to a God she didn't believe in that her mother was not waiting on the other side. She couldn't face her. Not tonight. Not when she was dealing with everything else on top of Paula's reappearance. Serena held out her hand and Jac stared at it, wondering what she was doing. After taking a moment to judge what she was doing, Jac took her hand and let her lead her to the door, Serena's hand lingering on the handle as Jac took a deep breath.

Serena opened the door to the relatively quiet evening AAU corridor. With Serena's reassuring hand in hers and Paula thankfully though probably only temporarily nowhere to be found, Jac was safe. For now.

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel to leave me a review and tell me what you think!  
Sarah x**


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